Binge Eating Disorder is an eating disorder characterized by binge eating without subsequent purging episodes.
Last week, I came clean on my blog that I have Binge Eating Disorder (or BED). I’d like to take some additional time today and share more about what BED is, and what I go through on a daily basis.
A lot of people binge, or have binges, where they’ll grab a ton of cookies or a lot of fast food, but for them this isn’t a regular occurrence, nor do they try to hide it. I’m not downplaying these binges, they still suck and make you feel awful, but it isn’t something that most “normal” people need to mentally wrestle with on a daily basis. For me, the fight on whether or not to go through a drive-thru, is literally one of the biggest struggles of my day. I’ll be honest, I absolutely woke up this morning thinking I could go through on my way to work, and get WAY too much food and then consume it all before walking into door.
(For the sake of this post, a person who does not typically binge, will be considered normal)
If a normal person is going through drive-thru, they can order one meal (this includes the sandwich, fries and drink). Most will feel content while eating this and know that it is enough food for their meal. When I go through drive-thru, I suddenly become terrified that this could be my last meal. A typical order of mine might include, an entire meal (sandwich, fries and drink), but then I think if I drive away with just that, I worry I won’t be full or satiated so I’ll order an additional couple of double cheeseburgers and some nuggets, with way too much sauce, because god forbid I not have enough sauce to cover an entire nugget whole. Still, I worry that I didn’t order enough.
As they hand me my food, I snatch it and place it on the seat beside me or the floor. I don’t want the drive-thru attendant to think that the food is mine. As soon as I’m away from the window, I open the bag and dig in. Most of the time I’ll eat while I drive, but on occasion I’ll find a very remote parking spot, and park myself there. If someone comes and parks near me, where they can see me stuffing food into my mouth, I get angry. I’m mad because this person is seeing something I work so hard to keep secret, even if they don’t know me, or will never see me again.
To me, my car is my safe haven when it comes to my binges. When I am alone in there, I feel as though nothing and no one can judge me. I can eat till my heart’s content and there’s no one there to tell me to stop or that I’m literally killing myself slowly.
That is, until now.
Now I have Emmett, and he’s in the car with me a lot AND he’s becoming more and more aware of what is going on around him. I do not want to teach him that binging in the car (or anywhere) is okay or healthy to do. That is why I started this series of posts, I want to be healthier for my son and husband. I want to live a very long life with them, and it can’t change unless I put in the work.