Tag Archives: binging

Celebrate the Holidays – NOT the Food

Posted on November 25 by Jillian416 • 15 Comments

I was going to start this post by saying that the holidays are on their way, but let’s be real, they’re here. Thanksgiving is 3 days away, and Christmas is 30 or so days away – they’re definitely here!

This is a time of the year where people tend to let their bad habits come back into play and claim that they’ll start anew after the first of the year. I was typically one of those people, but I’m not this year. Nope! No way, no how! I thought since I’ve shared my journey with you, I’d take some time to explain how I plan on staying focused on my health this year.

I would say, nearly every year since I can remember has been spent telling myself that it’s okay to OVER indulge and gain a little weight, because the first of the year is right around the corner, and what better time to restart the weightloss journey than January one? Am I right?

This year, I decided to do something a little differently, technically A LOT differently for me. I plan on treating this time of the year the same way I do every other part of the year, when it comes to food. I’m not going to eat like it’s my last meal, or like I’ll never have the food again – I’m going to enjoy what I want, but in moderation.

Easier said than done, right?

Usually I would agree, but something is different for me, this time around. The other day, while celebrating early Thanksgiving with my family, I didn’t feel the normal pull of 2nd and 3rd helpings. And, I was even asked if I wanted more squash/potatoes/cranberry sauce/turkey, but I said no to all of it. I was full, I knew it, and my belly knew it. Instead, I spent the precious time with my family all together, laughing and not focusing on the food on the table or going in my mouth.

I imagine the experience was similar to how a naturally thin person would eat. I knew there was food in front of me, I knew I wanted to eat some of it, but I wasn’t concerned about the amount I’d eat. It was an amazing feeling!!

I can’t really pinpoint exactly what has caused this change in mindset, but what I can share are the many different things I am doing to better myself, and have a healthier relationship with food.

So far, in the last couple months I’ve…

Read a couple different self-help books
Started drinking Shakeology daily – I truly believe that this is a huge part of why my cravings are manageable.
Stopped hating on myself constantly – I used to be so mean to myself, now, about 80% (I’m working on the other 20) of the time, I am kind and loving and am more accepting of my flaws.
Started working out regularly – Any workout will really get you feeling better, but doing it regularly will change your entire mind.
Actually listening to the complements that my husband gives me – Probably seems like an easy one, but it was actually pretty difficult. I just never saw what he did, I shut that part of me up and now listen to Seamus.
Stopped worrying about whether I’ll ever have another Big Mac, slice of pizza, chicken fingers, etc., again – I tell myself that there will be another opportunity for these foods, but I have to really want them (except for the pizza, that I will splurge on, or make at home).

See… I’ve made a lot of changes! But, let me make one thing very clear, I am not 100% perfect with any of these areas. I still struggle with food, but since admitting and becoming more aware of my triggers, my bingeing and bad relationship with food has gotten much much better.

So yeah, I’m excited about this holiday season because it means lots of time with family, who I only see a few times a year. The food? Well, that’s just an added bonus!!

Curious to know more about my poor relationship with food? You can read all about my struggles with Binge Eating Disorder by clicking here.

Your turn!

Have you made any changes in regards to your eating or relationship with food? Or are you waiting until the new year to get started?

What’s your tried and true trick to help stave off the cravings?

Please share in the comments below!

Looking for a quick, easy and FREE way to get your news? Check-out theSkimm and sign-up for your daily email box delivery of the world’s news, plus if you share your birthday, you get it listed at the bottom of the newsletter on your day. It’s like celebrating with thousands of people!!!!

I’m linking up with Fitness Cheerleader and Running Rachel – YOU should join me at the #MotivateMeMonday link-up!

Filed Under: All About Me, Family, Food & Recipes

Coping With Binge Eating Disorder – WIAW

Posted on August 13 by Jillian416 • 22 Comments

It’s been awhile since I’ve done a What I Ate Wednesday post in it’s regular form, but it’s been especially long time since I’ve written about how I’m doing with Binge Eating Disorder.

Since it’s been so long, I thought it was a good time to revisit. I have lots to share!

I believe that B.E.D. is never something you truly get over. Just like any addiction it is with you forever, you just learn how to cope. Right now, I think I’m in the beginning stages of successfully coping with the disorder and overcoming all the struggles involved with binging.

A few months back, I was in a rough spot, both physically and mentally. I had hurt my back, could barely move, and my mood and feelings toward myself plummeted. I didn’t know how to fix the situation and did not want to go to physical therapy for my back (I had gone before and it made things worse), and for my mood, I knew all I need to do was exercise and eat better. So, I did the one thing that I always turn to in situations like this, I read.

I read everything I could get my hands on in regards to healing a bulging disc naturally without surgery or serious pain meds (I was definitely popping ibuprofen, though). I read books upon books and articles upon articles about B.E.D. I wanted to know everything I could know about the disease itself and I wanted to learn some coping methods that have helped others.

Months went by and my back slowly got better. I stretched like I needed to and should have been doing all along, and slowly the pain lessened. As for the B.E.D., there are three stand out things that have helped me become stronger and better able to say NO to a binge.

binge-eating-disorder-212

The first, is my personal pep talks. Every time I start to crave junk, or am getting the urge to run to McDonald’s for a burger, I talk to myself. Not out loud (but that would be okay too), but to myself. I pause, doesn’t matter what is going on, I stop my thoughts from running towards food and I really think about what is going on with me. Most of the time it is boredom, or some unnecessary craving. Then, once I’ve realized why I am desiring something so bad for me, I tell myself that I don’t eat like that any more. I literally say that. I remind myself that the old me would run to McD’s and buy WAY too much food and eat it all, but that you no longer do that. And you know what? It works! The mind is a very powerful thing and works wonders when it is engaged.

The second, is writing down EVERYTHING that I put into my mouth. Every single bite, lick or taste, goes into my cute little green Moleskin (affliate link). I don’t track calories, I just eat 80% clean whole foods and 10% junk, but I ensure that everything I eat goes in that book. In addition to the food I’ve eaten, I also include the feelings I’m having, or anything else running through my head. It helps keep me focused.

I’m not perfect, there are days when only breakfast gets written down, or I forget about my snack, but I try darn hard to just carry it with me everywhere and to write everything down. It’s working because it is making me very conscious of the food choices I am making.

Finally, is Shakeology. I know I’ve mentioned this a few times, and I know people are still skeptical. I get it, I was too – but there has never been a food or drink before that has helped me curb cravings like Shakeology. So, I will sing its praises from the rooftops. Plus, it really tastes awesome and is like my own little super healthy daily dessert.

I’m not cured. I definitely still have binges and cravings still occur, but they’re smaller, weaker and I’ve set myself up with some great strategies to overcome them.

I am still reading loads and loads of articles and self-help books, because there is almost always more insight that can be gleaned from them. Something that might help me, or may help someone else I love and care about is worth spending the time to find.

If you’re interested in reading all of my binge eating disorder story, you can click here.

Your turn!

Have you ever heard of B.E.D. before?

If you struggle with Binge Eating Disorder, do you have any methods that keep you focused and away from binges?

Looking for a quick, easy and FREE way to get your news? Check-out theSkimm and sign-up for your daily email box delivery of the world’s news, plus if you share your birthday, you get it listed at the bottom of the newsletter on your day. It’s like celebrating with thousands of people!!!!

I’m linking up with Peas and Crayons! Thanks for hosting!

Filed Under: All About Me, Family, Food & Fitness, Food & Recipes

An Open Letter to the Woman in the Car Next to Mine

Posted on May 21 by Jillian416 • 9 Comments

Recently, I was at a local chain restaurant with my family. We parked further away from the door than normal, in an area where most people do not park because it takes a few extra steps to walk inside. Next to where we parked was a woman, sitting in her car, very obviously binging. This letter was inspired by that woman.

Hello,

You don’t know me, but I understand your plight.

I understand what it’s like to go through a restaurant’s drive-thru, or to order take-out and hurry back to your car, making sure you park far enough away that it is unlikely that someone will park next to you.

I understand what it’s like to have your mouth salivating at the thought of what is inside the bag.

I understand barely being able to contain the desire to RIP open the food the second it is handed to you. But you never do, because you’re terrified of what the drive-thru attendant may think of you if you started eating right there. Plus, you need to remember how important it is to keep up the facade that the food is not ENTIRELY for you, that you bought 4 sandwiches + fries, for other people to enjoy too.

I understand what it’s like to think that if someone were to see you, know you, or hear what you were doing, that they’d be disgusted.

I understand the self-hatred that begins the moment you pull into the drive-thru, but hits its crescendo the second you finish that last bite of food.

I understand the embarrassment you feel when someone pulls into the parking spot next to you, and sees you stuffing the steaming heap of french fries into your mouth.

I understand what it’s like to binge. To suffer, to struggle and try to cope with binge eating disorder.

But, I’m writing this letter so that you know you are not alone. That you are not disgusting, and that are people in your life that if you confide in them, will support you and lift you up.

I am writing to tell you that you don’t need to be embarrassed. Other people have experienced the same struggle, and understand what you’re dealing with, lean on them for support.

I am writing to tell you that you don’t need to hate yourself. That hating yourself will not heal you, but that accepting yourself, and working to overcome binge eating disorder will.

I am writing because I’ve been you, and there are times when I still am. But that with the love of my husband, and some good friends, I am slowly healing, and that you can too.

Take care of yourself. Put yourself first. Don’t accept excuses.

We’re all rooting for you!

I am linking up with peas and crayons.

Filed Under: All About Me

What I Ate Wednesday – Binge Eating Disorder

Posted on February 20 by Jillian416 • 7 Comments

Coping with Binge Eating Disorder

Wiki describes binge eating disorder as an eating disorder characterized by binge eating without subsequent purging episodes.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve spent time writing about my struggles with Binge Eating Disorder. You can read about my admission to the disorder here, some of the details of what I deal with on a daily basis here, what some of my “hidden talents” are here, and finally why I decided to come clean on my blog here.

Today I want to talk about the loneliness that comes with having Binge Eating Disorder.

Until very recently, no one knew my secrets. I’m sure that Seamus may have surmised that I was eating poorly, and way too much, but I never actually told him. It isn’t that I didn’t feel safe, or that he’d judge me, but simply that I was embarrassed. No one had known for so long, that someone knowing might ruin me. That I would no longer be able to look him in the eye, for fear that all he’d be picturing is me with an over-abundance of food.

In June I decided to come clean. I had been doing a lot of research on the topic and ways to correct it, and one of the biggest rules of thumb is to be honest with those in your life, so that you can feel free. So, I did it. The first time I broached the subject with him, I mentioned it and that I thought I was dealing with it, but never mentioned the amounts or types of foods that I ate. I wasn’t ready for that yet, because telling someone that, was letting someone into my deepest and darkest secret.

As time progressed, and Seamus and I discussed what was going on with me, I felt more comfortable admitting to what I had been eating. I don’t think Seamus ever judged me, but he was shocked, and it showed. I was so disgusted with myself. I immediately ended the conversation from going any further and changed the subject. I wanted to come clean, but I did not want to have to deal with the sadness and disgust that was bubbling up (if I’m being honest, I’m still not dealing with that).

Weeks passed, and I brought it up again because I NEED his support in order to overcome this. I need someone who knows the deepest places of me, and loves me despite them. When we talk about it now he is understanding and comforting and tries to offer words of encouragement, or ideas for overcoming it, but in true addict fashion, I’ve told him I got it handled. Well, I don’t. I continue to eat poorly (this is an understatement), sure I’ll have a few great days and eat super healthy, but as days pass my resolve falters and I’m right back eating the same crap I was before. Only now I’m ashamed (again) to tell Seamus because I am doing exactly what I said I had handled.

It is a very lonely place, where I am at right now. I have people around me who love me, but I still feel all alone and it hurts. It’s by no fault of their own, they show their support and tell me they love me, but it doesn’t change the inner turmoil that goes on in my head.

Readers, I know some of this is getting super personal, but I hope that you’ll continue with me on my journey. I appreciate all of the support you’ve shown and continue to show. It means a whole lot to me!

I’m linking up with Peas and Crayons, be sure to stop on over and visit!

Filed Under: All About Me

What I Ate Wednesday – Binge Eating Disorder

Posted on January 22 by Jillian416 • 0 Comments

Wiki describes binge eating disorder as an eating disorder characterized by binge eating without subsequent purging episodes.

Hidden “Talents”

When you have binge eating disorder, anything can cause a binge. Some individuals are triggered by stress, some happiness, others everything. I fall into that everything category.

I get a new job, I binge.

I get into an argument with Seamus, I binge.

I forgot my lunch, I binge.

For me, there is no rhyme or reason to what might trigger a binge, it happens so frequently, that I could probably say living life can cause a binge. I wish it were a simple point in my life that caused me to fly off the rails, because I would simply work to cut that out, but it is literally anything…good or bad.

Since so much of my life consists of food, what I’m going to eat and when I’m going to eat it, I have maximized my ability to hide what I’ve eaten. I’m not bragging. I wish this weren’t the case, but I have come up with every scenario you can think of to ensure that as few people know about my food choices as possible (that is until now).

When Seamus and I first started dating he didn’t know I dealt with this, heck he didn’t know how severe this was until over just last year. Every once in awhile he’d find receipts that I had forgotten to hide or throw out, and he’d comment on what was purchased. I’d always pass it off as a one time thing, or that I only did that for special occasions. Never EVER admitting what was really happening, until one day I just needed to come clean with how bad things really were. Whether it bothers Seamus or not, I have no idea. He is nothing but supportive, and there has never been a time that I’ve felt judgement. For this I am thankful, I don’t think I could have come clean here, or even to him without that constant support.

I mentioned earlier that I am an expert at hiding what I’ve eaten, and the subsequent trash. Trust me, none of my examples are rocket science, but it has kept so many people in my life in the dark until my admission on Baby Doodah! Here’s an example: I’m on my way home, I just left work and am feeling like a coffee. I’ll swing through Tim Horton’s, and order any number of things, along with my coffee. I’ll eat everything I ordered and then either hide the trash below the driver’s seat in my car, or I’ll put it in my work bag and throw it out once I arrive at work the next morning. I get home with just my coffee, and no one is the wiser.

I am not proud, it’s actually the opposite, I am ashamed. It has taken me awhile to write out this post because I wasn’t sure how deep into the details I wanted to get, but since I’ve put so much out there already, I figured why stop now. I want to share who I truly am, in hopes that it will help someone else who is struggling with binge eating disorder, as I am.

In case you’ve missed them, here are my other two posts on the binge eating disorder struggle. My Admission and Coming Clean on the Amounts of Food that I Eat.

Your turn!

If you have struggled or are currently struggling with Binge Eating Disorder, I would love to hear from you either in the comments below, or feel free to email me. My address is in the Contact Me! section of the blog.

Be sure to stop over and visit Jen at Peas and Crayons!

Filed Under: All About Me

What I Ate Wednesday – Binge Eating Disorder

Posted on January 15 by Jillian416 • 5 Comments

Binge Eating Disorder is an eating disorder characterized by binge eating without subsequent purging episodes.

Last week, I came clean on my blog that I have Binge Eating Disorder (or BED). I’d like to take some additional time today and share more about what BED is, and what I go through on a daily basis.

A lot of people binge, or have binges, where they’ll grab a ton of cookies or a lot of fast food, but for them this isn’t a regular occurrence, nor do they try to hide it. I’m not downplaying these binges, they still suck and make you feel awful, but it isn’t something that most “normal” people need to mentally wrestle with on a daily basis. For me, the fight on whether or not to go through a drive-thru, is literally one of the biggest struggles of my day. I’ll be honest, I absolutely woke up this morning thinking I could go through on my way to work, and get WAY too much food and then consume it all before walking into door.

(For the sake of this post, a person who does not typically binge, will be considered normal)

If a normal person is going through drive-thru, they can order one meal (this includes the sandwich, fries and drink). Most will feel content while eating this and know that it is enough food for their meal. When I go through drive-thru, I suddenly become terrified that this could be my last meal. A typical order of mine might include, an entire meal (sandwich, fries and drink), but then I think if I drive away with just that, I worry I won’t be full or satiated so I’ll order an additional couple of double cheeseburgers and some nuggets, with way too much sauce, because god forbid I not have enough sauce to cover an entire nugget whole. Still, I worry that I didn’t order enough.

As they hand me my food, I snatch it and place it on the seat beside me or the floor. I don’t want the drive-thru attendant to think that the food is mine. As soon as I’m away from the window, I open the bag and dig in. Most of the time I’ll eat while I drive, but on occasion I’ll find a very remote parking spot, and park myself there. If someone comes and parks near me, where they can see me stuffing food into my mouth, I get angry. I’m mad because this person is seeing something I work so hard to keep secret, even if they don’t know me, or will never see me again.

To me, my car is my safe haven when it comes to my binges. When I am alone in there, I feel as though nothing and no one can judge me. I can eat till my heart’s content and there’s no one there to tell me to stop or that I’m literally killing myself slowly.

That is, until now.

Now I have Emmett, and he’s in the car with me a lot AND he’s becoming more and more aware of what is going on around him. I do not want to teach him that binging in the car (or anywhere) is okay or healthy to do. That is why I started this series of posts, I want to be healthier for my son and husband. I want to live a very long life with them, and it can’t change unless I put in the work.

Thank you to Jenn of Peas and Crayons for hosting another wonderful week of What I Ate Wednesday.

Your turn!

Do you suffer from Binge Eating Disorder?

If you do, where’s your safe haven? I would love to hear from you in the comments below.

Filed Under: All About Me