Tag Archives: binge eating disorder

What I Ate Wednesday – Binge Eating Disorder

Posted on February 27 by Jillian416 • 2 Comments

What someone with Binge Eating Disorder really looks like?

February 23^rd – March 1^st is designated as Eating Disorders Awareness week. For the first time in my life, I am working to get in charge of my eating, so that I am no longer following in the shadow of my disorder.

I’ve shared with you over the last few months my struggles with Binge Eating Disorder (You can read them all here.) It is something that I have defined my life by for years. I never had a name for it, but I knew the struggle. Every single day would begin with a thought about when the next time I was going to get fast food (since that was my fancy) would be. Literally, my alarm would go off, I’d roll out of bed and start thinking about food. It has consumed my life!

I am not healed, but I have begun the healing process (more to come on this in future posts). In an effort to grow the parts of me that are NOT food related, I thought I’d dedicate this post to talking about my identity that does not involve food.

So what DOES someone with Binge Eating Disorder look like anyway?

I am a loving wife, mother, daughter, sister and aunt.
I have an amazing sense of humor, and can laugh at even the dirtiest of jokes.
I love having friends, but am terrible at keeping ties with everyone. I do my best!
I adore making jewelry, and miss making it (It’s been since Emmett’s birth since I’ve created).
I am a supervisor at a health insurance company, and proud of my job. I am slowly but surely learning my way.
I love comfy jammies, soft blankets and weekends curled on the couch.
I swoon over the way Emmett says the word cuddle – “duddle” – and the fact that he enjoys partaking in my cuddles so much.
I love reading AND writing. My reading list is never ending, as is my list of topics to write about.
I love getting up early, but I wouldn’t consider myself a morning person, because I also enjoy staying up late.
Coffee is often the first thing I sip in the mornings.
The feeling of working hard and accomplishing a goal I set for myself, gives me the ultimate feeling of satisfaction.
I want 4 kids simply because I loved growing up in a big family, but realize I will likely have less.
I have an amazing support system, in my husband, family and very close friends.
I’ve suffered with depression off and on for most of my adult life, but I am working hard to overcome the struggles.
I am right handed, my eyes are a beautiful blue-green hazel and my hair is naturally blonde (with some highlights added in).
I trust too swiftly and fully, so that when I am crossed I fall hard.
My middle name is Therese and I love love love it!
I love the feeling of my body when it is sore from a tough workout, but have such a hard time motivating myself to get out the door.
And finally, I am a woman who is on a journey of a lifetime.

Those are not in any particular order, but I would say that’s a pretty cumulative list of who I am as a person outside of my disease. I created this list, so that you, my lovely readers would know me better, but also so that I have it to refer to when the going gets tough.

As always, thank you for reading – your support and encouraging words has been so so helpful in my quest.

Thanks to Jenn of Peas and Crayons for hosting!

Filed Under: All About Me

What I Ate Wednesday – Binge Eating Disorder

Posted on February 20 by Jillian416 • 7 Comments

Coping with Binge Eating Disorder

Wiki describes binge eating disorder as an eating disorder characterized by binge eating without subsequent purging episodes.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve spent time writing about my struggles with Binge Eating Disorder. You can read about my admission to the disorder here, some of the details of what I deal with on a daily basis here, what some of my “hidden talents” are here, and finally why I decided to come clean on my blog here.

Today I want to talk about the loneliness that comes with having Binge Eating Disorder.

Until very recently, no one knew my secrets. I’m sure that Seamus may have surmised that I was eating poorly, and way too much, but I never actually told him. It isn’t that I didn’t feel safe, or that he’d judge me, but simply that I was embarrassed. No one had known for so long, that someone knowing might ruin me. That I would no longer be able to look him in the eye, for fear that all he’d be picturing is me with an over-abundance of food.

In June I decided to come clean. I had been doing a lot of research on the topic and ways to correct it, and one of the biggest rules of thumb is to be honest with those in your life, so that you can feel free. So, I did it. The first time I broached the subject with him, I mentioned it and that I thought I was dealing with it, but never mentioned the amounts or types of foods that I ate. I wasn’t ready for that yet, because telling someone that, was letting someone into my deepest and darkest secret.

As time progressed, and Seamus and I discussed what was going on with me, I felt more comfortable admitting to what I had been eating. I don’t think Seamus ever judged me, but he was shocked, and it showed. I was so disgusted with myself. I immediately ended the conversation from going any further and changed the subject. I wanted to come clean, but I did not want to have to deal with the sadness and disgust that was bubbling up (if I’m being honest, I’m still not dealing with that).

Weeks passed, and I brought it up again because I NEED his support in order to overcome this. I need someone who knows the deepest places of me, and loves me despite them. When we talk about it now he is understanding and comforting and tries to offer words of encouragement, or ideas for overcoming it, but in true addict fashion, I’ve told him I got it handled. Well, I don’t. I continue to eat poorly (this is an understatement), sure I’ll have a few great days and eat super healthy, but as days pass my resolve falters and I’m right back eating the same crap I was before. Only now I’m ashamed (again) to tell Seamus because I am doing exactly what I said I had handled.

It is a very lonely place, where I am at right now. I have people around me who love me, but I still feel all alone and it hurts. It’s by no fault of their own, they show their support and tell me they love me, but it doesn’t change the inner turmoil that goes on in my head.

Readers, I know some of this is getting super personal, but I hope that you’ll continue with me on my journey. I appreciate all of the support you’ve shown and continue to show. It means a whole lot to me!

I’m linking up with Peas and Crayons, be sure to stop on over and visit!

Filed Under: All About Me

What I Ate Wednesday – Binge Eating Disorder

Posted on January 22 by Jillian416 • 0 Comments

Wiki describes binge eating disorder as an eating disorder characterized by binge eating without subsequent purging episodes.

Hidden “Talents”

When you have binge eating disorder, anything can cause a binge. Some individuals are triggered by stress, some happiness, others everything. I fall into that everything category.

I get a new job, I binge.

I get into an argument with Seamus, I binge.

I forgot my lunch, I binge.

For me, there is no rhyme or reason to what might trigger a binge, it happens so frequently, that I could probably say living life can cause a binge. I wish it were a simple point in my life that caused me to fly off the rails, because I would simply work to cut that out, but it is literally anything…good or bad.

Since so much of my life consists of food, what I’m going to eat and when I’m going to eat it, I have maximized my ability to hide what I’ve eaten. I’m not bragging. I wish this weren’t the case, but I have come up with every scenario you can think of to ensure that as few people know about my food choices as possible (that is until now).

When Seamus and I first started dating he didn’t know I dealt with this, heck he didn’t know how severe this was until over just last year. Every once in awhile he’d find receipts that I had forgotten to hide or throw out, and he’d comment on what was purchased. I’d always pass it off as a one time thing, or that I only did that for special occasions. Never EVER admitting what was really happening, until one day I just needed to come clean with how bad things really were. Whether it bothers Seamus or not, I have no idea. He is nothing but supportive, and there has never been a time that I’ve felt judgement. For this I am thankful, I don’t think I could have come clean here, or even to him without that constant support.

I mentioned earlier that I am an expert at hiding what I’ve eaten, and the subsequent trash. Trust me, none of my examples are rocket science, but it has kept so many people in my life in the dark until my admission on Baby Doodah! Here’s an example: I’m on my way home, I just left work and am feeling like a coffee. I’ll swing through Tim Horton’s, and order any number of things, along with my coffee. I’ll eat everything I ordered and then either hide the trash below the driver’s seat in my car, or I’ll put it in my work bag and throw it out once I arrive at work the next morning. I get home with just my coffee, and no one is the wiser.

I am not proud, it’s actually the opposite, I am ashamed. It has taken me awhile to write out this post because I wasn’t sure how deep into the details I wanted to get, but since I’ve put so much out there already, I figured why stop now. I want to share who I truly am, in hopes that it will help someone else who is struggling with binge eating disorder, as I am.

In case you’ve missed them, here are my other two posts on the binge eating disorder struggle. My Admission and Coming Clean on the Amounts of Food that I Eat.

Your turn!

If you have struggled or are currently struggling with Binge Eating Disorder, I would love to hear from you either in the comments below, or feel free to email me. My address is in the Contact Me! section of the blog.

Be sure to stop over and visit Jen at Peas and Crayons!

Filed Under: All About Me

What I Ate Wednesday – Binge Eating Disorder

Posted on January 15 by Jillian416 • 5 Comments

Binge Eating Disorder is an eating disorder characterized by binge eating without subsequent purging episodes.

Last week, I came clean on my blog that I have Binge Eating Disorder (or BED). I’d like to take some additional time today and share more about what BED is, and what I go through on a daily basis.

A lot of people binge, or have binges, where they’ll grab a ton of cookies or a lot of fast food, but for them this isn’t a regular occurrence, nor do they try to hide it. I’m not downplaying these binges, they still suck and make you feel awful, but it isn’t something that most “normal” people need to mentally wrestle with on a daily basis. For me, the fight on whether or not to go through a drive-thru, is literally one of the biggest struggles of my day. I’ll be honest, I absolutely woke up this morning thinking I could go through on my way to work, and get WAY too much food and then consume it all before walking into door.

(For the sake of this post, a person who does not typically binge, will be considered normal)

If a normal person is going through drive-thru, they can order one meal (this includes the sandwich, fries and drink). Most will feel content while eating this and know that it is enough food for their meal. When I go through drive-thru, I suddenly become terrified that this could be my last meal. A typical order of mine might include, an entire meal (sandwich, fries and drink), but then I think if I drive away with just that, I worry I won’t be full or satiated so I’ll order an additional couple of double cheeseburgers and some nuggets, with way too much sauce, because god forbid I not have enough sauce to cover an entire nugget whole. Still, I worry that I didn’t order enough.

As they hand me my food, I snatch it and place it on the seat beside me or the floor. I don’t want the drive-thru attendant to think that the food is mine. As soon as I’m away from the window, I open the bag and dig in. Most of the time I’ll eat while I drive, but on occasion I’ll find a very remote parking spot, and park myself there. If someone comes and parks near me, where they can see me stuffing food into my mouth, I get angry. I’m mad because this person is seeing something I work so hard to keep secret, even if they don’t know me, or will never see me again.

To me, my car is my safe haven when it comes to my binges. When I am alone in there, I feel as though nothing and no one can judge me. I can eat till my heart’s content and there’s no one there to tell me to stop or that I’m literally killing myself slowly.

That is, until now.

Now I have Emmett, and he’s in the car with me a lot AND he’s becoming more and more aware of what is going on around him. I do not want to teach him that binging in the car (or anywhere) is okay or healthy to do. That is why I started this series of posts, I want to be healthier for my son and husband. I want to live a very long life with them, and it can’t change unless I put in the work.

Thank you to Jenn of Peas and Crayons for hosting another wonderful week of What I Ate Wednesday.

Your turn!

Do you suffer from Binge Eating Disorder?

If you do, where’s your safe haven? I would love to hear from you in the comments below.

Filed Under: All About Me

What I Ate Wednesday – Binge Eating Disorder

Posted on January 8 by Jillian416 • 10 Comments

Binge Eating Disorder is an eating disorder characterized by binge eating without subsequent purging episodes.

Hi all, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve participated in What I Ate Wednesday, but finally getting back to it. This week’s post is a bit different than previous week’s because I want to come clean in an effort to get my eating in check.

I want to be successful with my resolutions this year, in order to do that I need to grow as a person. One area where I truly suffer is my eating, I have binge eating disorder (or BED). Many of you may have never heard of BED, neither had I until I discovered Kristin Gerstley’s blog End Binge Eating Now.

I’ve always known that I have an unhealthy relationship with food, that I prefer to eat alone because then I can eat an unheard of amount of food without anyone knowing (or judging), but I was unaware that it had a name. I randomly came across the term Binge Eating Disorder while on Instagram. An individual that I follow has overcome the disease, she was sharing a photo and a story from her journey, and it hit me, her story was describing what I deal with on a near daily basis. As I googled it, and read through Kristin’s blog reality slapped me hard in the face. Now, the question is how do I overcome Binge Eating Disorder?

This isn’t something new, I’ve dealt with this for a large majority of my adult life, but I’ve reached my breaking point. The thing is that I don’t just want to cope with BED, but actually overcome it. BED is like many other addictions, the only difference is that I can’t cut food completely out of my life, I can’t just stop eating. Instead I need to wrangle it in, and I have no idea how to do that, this is where the research begins.

I’m tired of dealing with this on my own, there are many online support groups, classes and blogs that have helped thousands overcome BED, allowing them to live a happy and full life. I want to be one of those people, and my journey starts here, today. I’m sharing this with you, readers, because I would love if you’d be willing to help hold me accountable.

Thanks to Jenn for hosting! Please be sure that you stop over and visit all of the wonderful What I Ate Wednesdays.

Your turn!

What’dyah say? Are you willing to be my cheerleaders, and help me on this journey?

Do you suffer from binges? If so, how did you overcome them?

Filed Under: All About Me