What Does Binge Eating Disorder Look Like?

It’s What I Ate Wednesday, and it’s been awhile since I’ve checked in with all of you on how my Binge Eating Disorder has been. I thought I’d take today to do that.

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If you went by the pictures I took today, my eating would appear to be in check. Seamus made me a yummy egg sandwich on a GF muffin, and I had a banana. Sadly, I didn’t stop there – as soon as Seamus and Emmett left, I jumped to the fridge and ate two slices of pizza. They were delicious, and I regretted them the second I started eating them, but as usual, I felt out of control and didn’t know how to stop myself. I polished off the two pieces and continued my self-hatred until I got into the office, where I was quickly distracted by work.

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The distraction kept me occupied for a couple of hours, because I didn’t think about food until lunch time came around and I started smelling everyone’s delicious food (or not so delicious in the case of some frozen meals). Either way, the second I started smelling the food smells, all I could think about is food. A sub, to be exact, heavy on the onion and mayo. I got through a few more work things, and then I rushed out the door. I grabbed a turkey sub from Subway and headed home to sit on the couch and binge.

While I was sitting on the couch, I realized that I hadn’t gotten a picture of my food. Then, the thought popped into my head, “I wouldn’t want to have taken a picture. I don’t want anyone knowing what I am eating. I’ll just lie and say I had something healthy and that I forgot to grab a picture.” That was almost literally the thought that went through my head. And I almost did it, I almost lied to you, readers. But then, while I was bathing Emmett, I had a small epiphany… Maybe if I am honest and up-front with what I went through, it will help me overcome some binge eating issues, and it could possibly help someone else down the line, who may be struggling with the same thing.

When it came time to leave work, I had to fight a very strong urge to go to Starbucks and buy all the things. I managed, by a constant voice in my head saying, “Emmett’s in the car, Emmett’s in the car. You don’t want to be a bad role model for him.” I ended up with just a coffee, which is why I was going there anyway.

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Dinner was easy because I was home with Seamus. I rarely binge when he’s around because I don’t want him to see me doing it. He knows, I’ve shared my struggles with him, but I don’t want him to see it. He probably wouldn’t judge me, but I don’t want to even take the risk, so I eat a normal amount and keep the binging to myself.

So, friends, I’ve laid it all out there. It’s so scary to be so forthcoming with things, but I really want to get better, and keeping it a deep dark secret isn’t working, so I’m figuring that I may as well try sharing and see if I get to a better spot.

I’m linking up with Peas and Crayons, thanks for hosting, Jenn.

10 Responses to What Does Binge Eating Disorder Look Like?

  1. Cc says:

    Thank you so much for sharing. You are very brave for being honest about your thoughts with others. I know your struggle inside & out. Thank you for reminding me that being honest with others not only takes the power away, but keeps me from believing my OWN facade… thereby deceiving myself and prolonging my own suffering. <3 An inspiring post.

    • Jillian416 says:

      Hi CC! I’m so sorry you struggle with the same issues, but I am glad I was able to post and help you realize that being honest is sometimes the best way. This sucks so hard, and I wish there were an easy way to overcome it.

  2. Thanks for such an honest post. I wish I could say that your experience wasn’t really familiar, but I would be lying.
    I’ve nominated you for a liebster award
    http://www.cookiecrumblesblog.com/liebster-award-3/
    Diana @ Cookie Crumbles recently posted…Liebster AwardMy Profile

  3. Carolyn says:

    You are a brave lady to post about something no one talks about like Binge Eating Disorder. I think this post will help a lot of people who feel like they are alone in this. Very inspiring!

    • Jillian416 says:

      Thanks Carolyn! It took me almost a year of blogging before I felt strong enough to post about it. It’s not a pretty topic, but it is cathartic to post about it. Thanks for visiting!

  4. […] What Does Binge Eating Disorder Look Like? […]

  5. Bev says:

    I agree, it’s so brave of you to share this with your readers! I have definitely had my moments of food guilt. It is amazing how hard it can be to resist food even when you truly don’t want it. It sounds, though, like you are on the right path to addressing it. I wish you all the best, and thank you for sharing. Stopping by from the Mommy Monday Blog Hop.
    Bev recently posted…An Interview with Shannon McDonaldMy Profile

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