Wiki describes binge eating disorder as an eating disorder characterized by binge eating without subsequent purging episodes.
Binge Eating Disorder
A few week’s back I came clean on my blog, and shared that I deal with Binge Eating Disorder. You can read all of those articles here, here and here. But even after reading all of them, you may wonder why I decided to come clean on my blog, what purpose that might serve. Well, I’d like to take some time today and explain why I felt the need to share and what I hope will be accomplished from sharing.
For years I have lied to myself about the binging. Each time things would get bad, I would always tell myself that I’d start fresh on Monday. Sunday would roll around and I’d be all set, mentally, to get started on Monday (so I thought). The problem was, that I looked at Sunday as a free for all. I told myself that since I’d be starting to eat better the next day, and no longer be able to eat the junk foods I had grown to crave, that I had better pig out on them that day. Monday would roll around and the thought of eating a veggie completely depressed me, but the thought of eating a Big Mac consumed me. I thought it would make me happy. It never did. I’d order what I want from McD’s, pig out, and then feel total guilt and misery.
When Seamus and I started dating things got really tricky. Seamus is a relatively healthy eater, but beyond that, he is strong willed and able to control his cravings, so before we moved in together and I would visit him and stay with him on weekends, he’d only have the food he needed for dinners and lunches. Rarely were there extra snacks or other foods that I desired to eat. I devised a system so that I could still get the junk I craved. On Saturday (or Sunday) mornings, I’d say I was just running out to get a coffee and while at Tim Horton’s would get enough food for two meals. I’d finish everything before I got back to Seamus’ apartment, and get rid of any evidence, other than the coffee.
I have lied and lied and lied about this for far too long, that coming clean to a very large internet audience, made me feel as though I was cleansing myself of all the behind the scenes, subconscious stuff that was going on. But in the month since I’ve shared, nothing has changed. I still continue to binge, and it’s now even more frequent due to job stress. I desperately need to stop binging. It will kill me, and in turn ruin my family.
In the coming weeks, I will likely share more about when I remember things originally starting, and possibly (if I am feeling particularly daring), I’ll share some of what I believe the causes are. I want to be healed, and the only way to overcome an addiction like food is to face it head-on, with strength and support. I am hoping that my community of readers will be willing to help support me in this journey.
Thanks so very much for reading!
Thank you to Jenn of Peas and Crayons for hosting What I Ate Wednesday. Be sure to stop on over and link-up!